Clovers & Roses

The above picture explains my title. 

Tonight is one of those nights where I just feel like packing up a suitcase, grabbing my imaginary passport and taking the next flight out of this place. And by next flight I mean walking into the airport and looking at whichever is the next flight out and go for it if it's still available. 

Of course life doesn't work that way and I am not that wealthy to be able to just fly whenever I wish. Heck, I don't think I can even leave this country any time soon. 

The reason why I feel this way is because I had a rough this evening. I never told anyone (except one person and my family) but for my finals back in May/June, I failed a module. I wasn't entirely surprised but still the disappointment was there. I didn't admit it to anyone because frankly I am embarrassed that I failed. I suppose you could say I was being quite egoistic. I didn't want to seem like I'm the dumbest of the batch for failing.

Repercussions of me failing, I had to resit the same module again this August which was today. When I found out that I failed, I told myself that I will study hard for my resit and study hard I did. Like always, I was seven levels of nervous when it came time for me to sit for my paper today. Although I knew that I have studied as much and as hard as I could, there was this nagging feeling in me that it was not enough. 

How was the paper?

SHITBAG HORRIBLE.

(Crash and burn, explode thrice in your face kind of fucked messed up)

I've never felt more stupid than how I felt earlier in the exam hall when I flipped open my question paper.

And you know what's worse? The fact that I studied for a whole month for this exam and still I felt like I was a retarded fool trying to answer a paper in alien language. And by alien I meant UFO/outerspace alien. If I studied at the very last minute then I wouldn't have anything to say but this was totally not the case.

I have so much at stake right now. I know some reading this will say "Well, you shouldn't have failed the first time". Those who have that thought crossing your mind, I want to see you sit for my paper with a tight exam schedule like how I had it. Especially if you're NOT studying a science related course. I never ever say to someone who failed that they shouldn't have failed the first time. Like wtf have some tact. Even if they are studying a whole other field compared to mine like Mass Comm or Business or Culinary or anything else for that matter. I am sure everyone's course has its own difficulties. 

After typing away so much (sort of), I actually forgot what I wanted to say because I just went with my gut feeling when I typed this. The main point is I feel really disappointed and sad right now with how the whole resit paper went down. I just wish I could go on a break sometimes to wherever. Experience overseas for a short while. Or maybe I'm just so sick of feeling like a failure and like I'm not good enough. 

This week is a tough week. 

I suppose there is another reason why I am so much more saddened by this resit paper than how would usually feel when I had a bad paper.

The other reason?

14.8.13 17:30

I pray I can pass this paper

I really need to

And I wish summer didn't fly by so fast

Another summer will come

And I hope I'll see you then