Clovers & Roses

I believe everyone has had this one moment in their lives where everything just comes crumbling down. That one moment where your hopes are crushed. The disappointment that accompanies this moment is unbearable. The disbelief and shock, utterly incomprehensible. 

This is me now.

And I have been since yesterday afternoon.

Initially, I thought I would thoroughly explain what happened but after considering it, I'm too embarrassed to even tell the story here. 

Anyway, I thought it was all good. I had good vibes about everything. But like always, my good vibes are all just a lie. It's like my brain and body cooperated to trick my mind into believing that everything was just peachy good. At the end of the day, the other shoe drops and I find out that everything is not alright. 

I know it sounds completely ridiculous to some. How is it possible that feeling happy about things is actually masking the disaster that was around the corner. I don't mind and honestly, I am not surprised if there are people out there who are skeptical about what I say. You can wave this off as rubbish and just not believe me. But I have had this experience my whole life so I do believe that my happy and good vibes are a lie. 

I've spoken to several people regarding what happened and I do thank everyone who listened and encouraged me all the way. Thank you for telling me that this is just another challenge from God that I have to endure. That there is always a reason behind life's challenges and I will one day benefit from this. That I must not give up and I just need to try harder the next time. 

I just wished I had that much faith in myself, that much confidence in myself, like how all of you have in me. I am embarrassed just to admit that I am this weak. So weak that I cannot even look ahead with my chin up and shoulders back. 

I have not felt this hopeless and useless in my 20 years of life. 

I keep replaying all that I did in preparation

for that whole month

Did I do something wrong?

Did I not do enough?

Was I not dedicated enough?

WHY

I pray to God and ask Him

to show me

Guide me

Because I am just so lost and broken