Clovers & Roses

A little over half into my 2 weeks plus break and I find myself at a constant battle with my mind and heart. My exams are due to begin again in less than a week. To be battling my own mind and heart is not a good place to be in at this period of time. It wears me up so badly that there are days I just sit there in the same spot thinking, wondering, imagining, hoping and trying to figure out what the heck should I do or say. Hell I spent the whole time thinking of the things I can do and whether I should do it.

Making things worse is the fact that I have had so much happen to me in the last month. I honestly want to talk about it but I can't. I want to talk to him about it but I am pretty sure that if I open up that particular topic, things will be ugly between me and him. There seems to be no way for me to be able to talk to him about it without jeopardizing our relationship. And I mean even platonic relationship.

I do not wish for a confrontation. I just want a conversation. A heart to heart. Where I can tell him how and what I really feel with everything that happened. I am not trying to blame him for it happening. I just don't want to have to hide this from him. I cannot pretend for so long that this issue is not bothering me when it clearly does.

Adding to all of that is his departure that is dawning very soon. I can't tell if I have actually come to terms with it. At times it seems like I am okay with his leaving and other times I am sadden by it. I keep wondering what is going to happen to the both of us when he leaves. I am pretty sure that the person he is now will not come back the same after spending 2 years on a different continent.

Of course everyone will tell me that it is the modern era and there is no boundaries when it comes to communication but the problem is whether he wants to keep in contact with me when he is there and I am here. With a big gap in time zones, it is a challenge. I am up for it but is he? I don't ask him or bring up this issue because I don't want to be pressuring him to keep in contact with me. I believe that if he wants to he will without me asking or bringing it up. He will take the initiative to do it if he wants to.

So far he hasn't spoken a word about it and things seem pretty bleak now.