Clovers & Roses

I can't believe I am saying this but I am in my final semester.

A year and the half ago, I would have thought it impossible that I will reach the end of my A-Levels course. Back then I would have thought it as a long way more to go. But like all experiences in life, it passes us by with a blink of an eye. Maybe not a blink but several blinks but point is it is finally coming to an end. So many think that I will miss my A-Levels life but on the contrary I actually won't miss it that much. I mean sure I will miss some parts of it but not all. Overall the experience was just normal to me. There were some ups and of course there were the downs. Sadly, the downs are the reason why I do not miss my A-Levels life.

To be blunt, I actually am looking forward to apply to a new university and have a brand new start on my degree life. I want to make new friends and hopefully find some friends that I can trust and count on in my life. Not the kind of friends that stay with you for several years and then ditch you when they decide that they want to. Anyway, I am looking forward to new experiences in my tertiary education life.

However, there are several bumps along the way as I progress to my degree life. Firstly, my applications to the prospective universities. 

After the end of my month long exam in January of this year, I have 11 weeks of classes and then it is time for my trial exams. Trials just ended several days ago and quite frankly I only did averagely for my papers. Of course many think that it's just trials. I can screw it up as long as I do well during the final exam. But the problem arises for me because my forecast results are dependent on my trials as well as my previous two major exams. My most recent major exam grades were basically like crap. With those results and my mediocre trials marks I stand a slim chance or maybe not even a close chance of entering to any university to do the course that I want to do. 

At the moment I feel so scared. So afraid that I will not get accepted into any university with my results. Not even a conditional offer from any university of my choice. I do not know how to explain to my mum if I can't enter a university with my grades. What am I going to do with my life then? 

I honestly do not know what to do. I go around watching my friends getting conditional offers into not just one university but even more than one and I question myself, how am I going to get accepted with my shit grades? I know for a fact that no university in their right mind will accept my grades to study the course that I want. Especially when the course itself is so demanding. And the fact that I need scholarship in order to study that course. 

Before even needing to figure out how to tell my mum why I am not able to get accepted into universities, I first need to figure out how to tell my mum about my shit trials grades which she will be receiving by post. I know for a fact that my mum is not going to be happy with my grades. I know that she will be very disappointed with me. And it makes me feel like I am a useless daughter because I can't even score good grades for her when she is working so hard to pay for my education on her own. 

I just wish I had answers

And a clue as to what to do now

-xxlynnalurve

Where the heck do I even begin. Thinking about everything now just makes my head throb even more but I guess like all things, we have to start from the beginning. 

In my last post I blogged about my results and it's only fitting if I spill how did I do. I basically flunked my exams. With several B's, C's, D's and even one U (which is equivalent to a fail) I would not consider my results as okay.

What made me so angry was my Chem Unit 4 paper. It was so easy but like all exams the exam board just loves to "scale" our marks and because of that I got a D in such an easy paper. I was not surprised at the fact that my U was for Core Mathematics 4. I pretty much expected myself to get a grade like that since I barely understood what the whole unit was even about.

As always everyone tells me that it's okay and I can just try harder for the paper since I am already going to retake most of the papers this May/June. What they don't know is how stressful it will be since I have to take 10 papers in total this coming May/June. Does anyone even understand how much I need to study?

Making things even worse was my scholarship from the University's Trust. I completely forgot that my results for each exam will be sent to them and that I need to maintain at least a 70% pass for my GPA. Heck. I didn't even know how to count my GPA for A-Levels since it's basically the grades that most people look at when it comes to A-Levels.

 So one day it hit me that my exam grades probably did not meet the requirement stated in the scholarship terms. I was freaking out like a mad woman when I checked my email that day and the University's Trust sent me an email requesting me to make an appointment by March 30th or have my scholarship revoked without appeal. I made an appointment to speak with Ms. Shannen and I decided to keep this from my mum. From then till the day of my actual interview with Ms. Shannen, I was scared shitless. I was so afraid that the University Trust will come to a decision to terminate my scholarship.

I'll tell you why I was that scared about my scholarship getting terminated. Most of you who accept scholarships just know that if you in any way break their clauses as stated in the agreement you have to pay them back every single cent. Most often it is because the GPA or grades required were not met. In my case, I not only need to pay back the University Trust the amount that they gave me. I need to pay them an ADDITIONAL 10% PER ANNUM. This means that I need to pay them a total of RM8000+10% which sums up to about RM9800. A jaw-dropping amount for me because I cannot whip out that sum of money just with a raise of my finger. 

Thankfully, the day when I met with Ms. Shannen to explain to her why I could not perform in the exams she told me that the University Trust has decided to give me a second chance because my GPA was 64 which was only 6 marks short from the 70 that I was supposed to have. I was beyond grateful that day to find out that my scholarship was not auto-terminated. However, I have to make sure that I pull up my GPA this coming May/June exams. If I do not then I still need to pay them back that amount. So either way I still need to perform well and damn I am stressed about that. Which explains why I have migraine lately which I never had before this.