Clovers & Roses

Indefinite holidays. To many that sounds like Christmas morning because everyone wants a holiday. Some time to relax, party, let loose, do whatever they want just because they can. After all, that is what holidays are for.

So I am basically having an indefinite length of holidays. Since I haven't applied into any university I have the liberty of doing whatever I want until I choose to apply. Obviously I am not the kind of girl who would purposely delay going in university just because I can. I actually want to start studying and getting back with the thick volumes of Chemistry and Biology facts. I want to put on my lab coat and breathe in the smell of the labs. I want to go to class and learn something new. 

I JUST WANT TO STUDY BECAUSE I MISS STUDYING.

As shocking as that may seem, I miss life as a student. All the lessons and quizzes and tests and work. I miss them all. Which is a first for me.

I think it has a strong link to the fact that I have been staying for a whole month plus at home, not doing anything at all. Saying I am bored is quite frankly an understatement. I am nearly killing myself at home with nothing better to do. 

Well I did spend a week or two in KL during this extended holiday. It was by far more entertaining than just staying in at home. My schedule at home was basically: wake up, shower, eat, read, eat, sleep, eat more, shower and sleep. With the occasional chores that I help out at home. Judging by my schedule, I definitely did not work on my diet programme which is going to bite me right in my ass. 

Now I'm going to go through what I did during this holiday: 

#1: Marble Nail Art

I've always wanted to try this technique out but while I was still in A-Levels, I barely had enough time to study what more experiment with nail art techniques. So now that I am on a super long break, I have all the time in the world to do this. Plus it takes lots of patience and trials and errors before actually getting it right. I'm glad to say that I NAILED IT! :D *proud*

Being the crazed nail polish collector and user that I am, I am very proud of myself for having the patience to do this until it was a success. There's just something about nail polish that makes me relax when I do it. It's kind of like my own therapy session. Just me and my bottles of nail polish :)

#2: Grey's Anatomy

I was a big fan of the show years back and somehow along the way I stopped watching because things like school activities and exams and tuitions got in the way. I ended up missing all the episodes so I stopped watching all together. Now that I am so free, I managed to get all EIGHT seasons of this show and I am so addicted to it! :) The life and drama of surgeons in a bustling hospital set at the heart of Seattle, Washington. It was like me and caffeine. Only I could watch it 24/7, episode after episode. Oh and this show makes me wonder if I should give medicine a try since I haven't exactly made up my mind yet. I wonder if I could be a kick ass surgeon in the future. 

I was hunting for Dr. Owen Hunt's version of this picture but I couldn't find it. He is McSexy and he is sexy indeed with that blonde hair and gorgeous blue eyes :) Since I can't find Dr. Oven Hunt's version of the above posters ....

I give you Dr. Oven Hunt himself! :P

#3: 50 Shades of Grey Trilogy

This is what I call my other Grey. I've come across this book multiple times on the shelves of MPH Bookstores and I remember wondering what is so good about this book that it's on the current bestselling list. One day I picked up 50 Shades of Grey (Book 1) and decided to read the first few pages. To get a feel of this paperback over the night hit. The moment I took the book and read it, Mr. Boo of mine told me it's a perverted book. Imagine that. I was intrigued immediately because HE READ IT BEFORE I DID. That never happens. Of course I continued reading it. I brought it to the Reader's Lounge and read it. Before I reached the end of Chapter 1, I was already hooked on it!

It's not a book with very deep insight and stuff that's too complicated. Essentially, it's a love story albeit a very sexually descriptive one. Speaking of the descriptive "bedroom stories", it is definitely a change in perspective for all. This book brings to life a more adventurous side of the human sexual nature. In a way, many of us would find a relationship like that a taboo but this book shows how this particular relationship works and why it isn't all that bad. Putting aside all the psychological issues that Mr. Grey is having, he just needs to learn how to be loved.

I admit that the descriptions are indeed very vivid and this book is by far one of the most descriptive books in the English language that I have read for this particular topic. But I can see the love story behind it and it is a good one. Of course, if anyone plans to read this, I would recommend an open mind. Nonetheless, I give it 5 stars :)

As of now as I am typing this very post, I am done with A-Levels. It is over. It is done. Finito baby. And without a doubt, I am super happy to be done with A-Levels. I have to admit that A-Levels was no easy feat but I made it through! With a few bumps and bruises along the way but I made it out stronger than ever :) *proud proud*

A-Levels is one of the many milestones in life and I am proud to be able to say that I crossed another milestone in my life. The past year and the half was challenging and there were numerous times where I literally didn't think I would be able to make it through. Countless times I reached my breaking point and felt like giving up but thanks to some of my super close friends and God I persevered. Thank You Lord! :D <3

Several days leading up to today, I had a few people ask me if I will miss A-Levels. Honestly speaking, yes and no. I mean yes I will miss going to class and laughing at lecturer's jokes and having some of my classmates joke around. But on the other hand, I will not miss this university because as much good and happy memories were created here in this campus, there are still memories that are too painful and bitter that were made here and I just want to get away from it. No details but that's the gist of it. 

Oh and I will definitely miss my roomie :( My roomie for half a year. She is truly a great friend and one that I will never forget. She always listens to all the crap I say and all my rants. Never complaining about anything. I will miss the times we spent together in our room, 210, having heart to heart talks and sharing experiences. Advising each other about our own problems and just providing an ear to listen. Most importantly, she was the one who defended me when a certain phone call came one night. That truly showed how much of a good friend she is. She just defended me without even second guessing. So I decided on giving her a parting gift as a surprise. Not sure if she has seen it yet but keeping my fingers crossed that she'll like it.

Tadaaa!! :)

As A-Levels is over, I am required to move out from the hostel on my last day! Which is completely nuts since I am not from KL. My mum has to drive all the way from Melaka just to pick me up. So after discussing with the Accommodation people, they gave me a grace period on when to move out which was by the next day before 12pm. Fair deal so I need to pack everything in my room. And I literally wanted to kick myself in the ass for bringing so much stuff when I first moved in. I had so much of crap that when I finished packing ALL my things I had 4 boxes AND 8 bags all filled to the max with things. And I actually threw away quite a number of things just to reduce the number of bags or boxes. Even still, when my mum arrived and we put everything into the car, it was so full that the backseat can only fit one person. 

Arriving at home was another problem. Had to carry the things all the way to the ninth floor. My mum was grumbling about the weight of my things. Especially my books. Those weigh like elephants. No joke. Unpacking was another nightmare. My closet was bursting after I unpacked my clothes and I had no place to place my books so I left them in the boxes. My room is now so cramped. Thank goodness neither me nor my sister has claustrophobia since we are sharing the room. 

Given everything I am so glad to be home. Finally I can enjoy the holidays without books and studying and tests and exams getting in the way. Heee!! :D

So what's the first thing I will do now that I am back home?

GO
SWIMMING
TO
LOSE
WEIGHT

Until then my lovelies,

-xxlynnalurve

A little over half into my 2 weeks plus break and I find myself at a constant battle with my mind and heart. My exams are due to begin again in less than a week. To be battling my own mind and heart is not a good place to be in at this period of time. It wears me up so badly that there are days I just sit there in the same spot thinking, wondering, imagining, hoping and trying to figure out what the heck should I do or say. Hell I spent the whole time thinking of the things I can do and whether I should do it.

Making things worse is the fact that I have had so much happen to me in the last month. I honestly want to talk about it but I can't. I want to talk to him about it but I am pretty sure that if I open up that particular topic, things will be ugly between me and him. There seems to be no way for me to be able to talk to him about it without jeopardizing our relationship. And I mean even platonic relationship.

I do not wish for a confrontation. I just want a conversation. A heart to heart. Where I can tell him how and what I really feel with everything that happened. I am not trying to blame him for it happening. I just don't want to have to hide this from him. I cannot pretend for so long that this issue is not bothering me when it clearly does.

Adding to all of that is his departure that is dawning very soon. I can't tell if I have actually come to terms with it. At times it seems like I am okay with his leaving and other times I am sadden by it. I keep wondering what is going to happen to the both of us when he leaves. I am pretty sure that the person he is now will not come back the same after spending 2 years on a different continent.

Of course everyone will tell me that it is the modern era and there is no boundaries when it comes to communication but the problem is whether he wants to keep in contact with me when he is there and I am here. With a big gap in time zones, it is a challenge. I am up for it but is he? I don't ask him or bring up this issue because I don't want to be pressuring him to keep in contact with me. I believe that if he wants to he will without me asking or bringing it up. He will take the initiative to do it if he wants to.

So far he hasn't spoken a word about it and things seem pretty bleak now.

Exams have officially begun and this time it is my FINAL exam. No more chance for repeating any of my modular units. The grades I get in this exam session is and will be my final grade for A-Levels. So the pressure is definitely ON. 

As of now, I have sat for 2 papers. Biology Unit 6 and Statistics 1. That bring me to a remainder of 8 papers for this exams. MAD STRESS!!

Clearly those who are taking A-Levels now may not understand what is Biology Unit 6 (except if you are also enrolled in Edexcel's A-Levels). Biology Unit 6 is basically a theory-based paper for practical work. Tests us on our research skills and our ability on planning a functional experiment based on all the Biology concepts. Since we aren't exactly able to conduct an actual research like those in UK. They have summer holidays to do it or something like that. Which we do not have that period of time. For CIE A-Levels I suppose your system varies from Edexcel's but nevertheless it is still on the whole A-Levels.

Anyway, I thought the paper was pretty okay. I won't say it was good because I am never that confident. One thing A-Levels has definitely taught me is NEVER HOPE FOR AN EASY PAPER. 

Seriously, an easy paper is the ultimate downfall. I am not even joking about it. They scale your marks that, example, for a 90 marks paper you need to score say 60 to PASS. Not to get an A but to PASS. So imagine how much of a screw up that would be if you scored 58/90 and FAILED. So I definitely don't hope for an easy paper. 

I can't believe I am saying this but I am in my final semester.

A year and the half ago, I would have thought it impossible that I will reach the end of my A-Levels course. Back then I would have thought it as a long way more to go. But like all experiences in life, it passes us by with a blink of an eye. Maybe not a blink but several blinks but point is it is finally coming to an end. So many think that I will miss my A-Levels life but on the contrary I actually won't miss it that much. I mean sure I will miss some parts of it but not all. Overall the experience was just normal to me. There were some ups and of course there were the downs. Sadly, the downs are the reason why I do not miss my A-Levels life.

To be blunt, I actually am looking forward to apply to a new university and have a brand new start on my degree life. I want to make new friends and hopefully find some friends that I can trust and count on in my life. Not the kind of friends that stay with you for several years and then ditch you when they decide that they want to. Anyway, I am looking forward to new experiences in my tertiary education life.

However, there are several bumps along the way as I progress to my degree life. Firstly, my applications to the prospective universities. 

After the end of my month long exam in January of this year, I have 11 weeks of classes and then it is time for my trial exams. Trials just ended several days ago and quite frankly I only did averagely for my papers. Of course many think that it's just trials. I can screw it up as long as I do well during the final exam. But the problem arises for me because my forecast results are dependent on my trials as well as my previous two major exams. My most recent major exam grades were basically like crap. With those results and my mediocre trials marks I stand a slim chance or maybe not even a close chance of entering to any university to do the course that I want to do. 

At the moment I feel so scared. So afraid that I will not get accepted into any university with my results. Not even a conditional offer from any university of my choice. I do not know how to explain to my mum if I can't enter a university with my grades. What am I going to do with my life then? 

I honestly do not know what to do. I go around watching my friends getting conditional offers into not just one university but even more than one and I question myself, how am I going to get accepted with my shit grades? I know for a fact that no university in their right mind will accept my grades to study the course that I want. Especially when the course itself is so demanding. And the fact that I need scholarship in order to study that course. 

Before even needing to figure out how to tell my mum why I am not able to get accepted into universities, I first need to figure out how to tell my mum about my shit trials grades which she will be receiving by post. I know for a fact that my mum is not going to be happy with my grades. I know that she will be very disappointed with me. And it makes me feel like I am a useless daughter because I can't even score good grades for her when she is working so hard to pay for my education on her own. 

I just wish I had answers

And a clue as to what to do now

-xxlynnalurve

Where the heck do I even begin. Thinking about everything now just makes my head throb even more but I guess like all things, we have to start from the beginning. 

In my last post I blogged about my results and it's only fitting if I spill how did I do. I basically flunked my exams. With several B's, C's, D's and even one U (which is equivalent to a fail) I would not consider my results as okay.

What made me so angry was my Chem Unit 4 paper. It was so easy but like all exams the exam board just loves to "scale" our marks and because of that I got a D in such an easy paper. I was not surprised at the fact that my U was for Core Mathematics 4. I pretty much expected myself to get a grade like that since I barely understood what the whole unit was even about.

As always everyone tells me that it's okay and I can just try harder for the paper since I am already going to retake most of the papers this May/June. What they don't know is how stressful it will be since I have to take 10 papers in total this coming May/June. Does anyone even understand how much I need to study?

Making things even worse was my scholarship from the University's Trust. I completely forgot that my results for each exam will be sent to them and that I need to maintain at least a 70% pass for my GPA. Heck. I didn't even know how to count my GPA for A-Levels since it's basically the grades that most people look at when it comes to A-Levels.

 So one day it hit me that my exam grades probably did not meet the requirement stated in the scholarship terms. I was freaking out like a mad woman when I checked my email that day and the University's Trust sent me an email requesting me to make an appointment by March 30th or have my scholarship revoked without appeal. I made an appointment to speak with Ms. Shannen and I decided to keep this from my mum. From then till the day of my actual interview with Ms. Shannen, I was scared shitless. I was so afraid that the University Trust will come to a decision to terminate my scholarship.

I'll tell you why I was that scared about my scholarship getting terminated. Most of you who accept scholarships just know that if you in any way break their clauses as stated in the agreement you have to pay them back every single cent. Most often it is because the GPA or grades required were not met. In my case, I not only need to pay back the University Trust the amount that they gave me. I need to pay them an ADDITIONAL 10% PER ANNUM. This means that I need to pay them a total of RM8000+10% which sums up to about RM9800. A jaw-dropping amount for me because I cannot whip out that sum of money just with a raise of my finger. 

Thankfully, the day when I met with Ms. Shannen to explain to her why I could not perform in the exams she told me that the University Trust has decided to give me a second chance because my GPA was 64 which was only 6 marks short from the 70 that I was supposed to have. I was beyond grateful that day to find out that my scholarship was not auto-terminated. However, I have to make sure that I pull up my GPA this coming May/June exams. If I do not then I still need to pay them back that amount. So either way I still need to perform well and damn I am stressed about that. Which explains why I have migraine lately which I never had before this.

This post will be pretty short I think.

Today is March 7th and tomorrow my results will be released. I don't know at what time and who will be handing it to me. Even more nerve wrecking is that my results are actually in the A-Levels department already NOW. Sitting in some corner waiting to be handed out tomorrow. All this waiting is making me so on edge. My answers keep running through my head and I am so doubtful now in practically all my answers. Like I have said, I don't expect straight A's but I also have no idea what kind of results to expect tomorrow.

In short, I have a really bad case of the nerves.

Dear God,

I pray that my results will be good

Or at least satisfactory.

Please let my answers be right.

I don't expect all A's

Just good enough to not disappoint my mum.

Thank you so so much

-xxlynnalurve